some things never change.

It's hard to blog when you don't want to talk about anything. I crack myself up. I really don't have anything that I care to share except for the usual one-liner or song. There isn't anything to say that's pleasant, and if it is then it may not be honest.

I never finished that music video or those photographs. I never could. I took all the footage for the video of my friends in Laredo and Austin but I was so disappointed by the experience that it has all been put aside. Yes, that is unfair to everyone that participated. They asked me about it for some time before finally giving up on it.

It's hard to finish something celebratory when you find no reason to celebrate your friendships. Long gone are the days when I cherished the people in my life. I am being selfish with some of these people, but I should have ended my association with others long ago. I put too much faith and love into people who had no problem ditching me when a better opportunity came their way. That's life though, right? It's just that I didn't realize that's how it was until it was too late.

That's what I really want to say, "I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did." I should have concentrated on myself from the beginning. Now I am resentful of so much time lost that left me with feeling so angry.

I spend my days working out. I've lost 42 ibs since May 2011. My body is still voluptuous but it is muscular. I try to eat well and focus on making my life better. This has been one of the most positive changes in my life. I feel happy when I see the result of my effort. It's an amazing feeling to have control of my body after years of struggling with weight management.

I am also at my best professionally. I can finally meet deadlines. I can finally manage difficult tasks. I am in control of my work. This is a great relief.

But, I have a great sense of reluctance toward people. All of that is my fault. I can react toward people the way a stray dog is wary of approaching a friendly person. A smile can be more threatening than a scowl sometimes. I think I trust the scowl more than I'll ever trust a friendly face. I just can't handle the way adults lie. I can't conform to it. I know how to pretend but it always sucks. I feel like I'm being reduced to something stupid and pointless. I hate these people with their fake smiles, false kindness, and very real ugliness.

I avoid them whenever possible. I try to remind myself that there are people out there, like me, who seek honest people. People who aren't afraid to show real human emotions. People who don't hide behind their ignorance.

This must seem so adolescent but if this behavior is commonplace among adults, I'd rather not join them. I'll figure out another way to be a grown up.